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Keeping things hot and heavy with your spouse isn’t always easy — especially after years, and years, and years of marriage. So what’s a couple to do to stay satisfied between the sheets as well as outside of the bedroom? Lucky for us, Dr. Jane Greer divulged her genius secrets for maintaining a fabulous sex life with your spouse way after the wedding night.
1. If you say no, say it with a rain check.
While it is wonderful to feel in sync with your spouse, there is no denying that despite how connected you are everyone’s appetite varies from time to time, whether it is for dinner or for sex. It is impossible to always be in the same mood for intimacy simultaneously, just as it’s unlikely that you will always want to have a similar meal. If, for example, you had a huge lunch and hope to have a small snack for dinner on the same day your partner skipped lunch altogether and is looking forward to a big meal out, you will find yourselves in a place that can be frustrating and require compromise. Your desire for sex can differ in the same way.
The thing is, when someone says no to sex it can very often feel like a rejection, even though it is not meant to be one. The goal is to make room for your different needs in a way that is loving and supportive, so that even though you might be saying no in the moment, it is not a no to your spouse. Start with the no but make it a “not now,” and offer a rain check for when you will be happy to have sex so you and your partner can look forward to your time together and build up excitement.
2. Have spontaneous scheduled sex.
When you were first dating, sex probably felt spontaneous because when you spent time with each other you didn’t know if you would have sex but the possibility that you would was always there. You were on a date, which by definition is time set aside to be together, so the potential to find the occasion to be intimate was high. Now that you live together, you would think finding time for sex would be easy, but the reality is that everything else creeps in and without the structured moments reserved just for you, it is sometimes too easy to brush aside.
So with that in mind, it is still important to schedule time to be together. Perhaps a date night is what you need to bring back some of your spontaneity — a few hours to focus on just the two of you — during which sex can take place anytime. Think outside the box. It can be a Sunday brunch with sex over easy before the eggs, or even an afternoon cup of coffee, so that date night can see the light of day as well!
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3. Capture the moment.
As simple as it sounds, capturing the moment can be one of the most elusive things to do because it gets trapped in the day-to-day minutiae of life. We all have a mental list of what we should be doing and what we have to get done. It can be so hard to put down, that a kiss or a caress from a partner which could be an invitation to a sexual rendezvous can instead feel like an interruption. In fact, you might even find yourself annoyed because it would stop you from accomplishing your tasks. If so, by asking your partner to leave you alone, can’t he see you’re busy, you might be unwittingly shutting down the opportunity for shared pleasure and making him feel bad. Rather than just saying no so you can continue on your way to get the tires checked or to food shop for dinner, look to welcome the advances, and the interruption, and think of it as a time to do something else important — share some moments of love with your spouse so you can enjoy your bond.
Dr. Jane Greer is a New York-based relationship expert, radio host, and the author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook and follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy.