One Couple's Real Life Experience Getting a Fiancé Visa

couple on a mountain

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Reality televisions shows make falling in love with somebody in another country look romantic (and sometimes dramatic), and then they make bringing that person to the United States as your fiancé look very, very complicated.

The truth is that “importing” your fiancé from another country is not an impossible task, unless you’ve never actually met, or they’re coming from someplace that has a history of terrorism. And even then, it’s not impossible.

A real life example of such a story? Cassia Tavares picked up her entire life and moved from Brazil to Florida to be with Jason Hitch, on Season 2 of TLC’s 90 Day Fiancé. Yes, they got married, and she got her green card. And yes, they’re still happily married.

Jason said the process for getting the K-1 visa wasn’t difficult or stressful, but it got really expensive.

“Cassia and I decided to NOT use an agency or a lawyer. We jumped online and read EVERYTHING. We went to forums and watched YouTube videos. What to look for, what are common mistakes in the paperwork, etc.,” Jason says.

“We filled out a 129 form and broke down our background — if we had been married, my income, and our history together. Proving we had actually spent real time together meant we needed to include receipts, boarding passes from my trips to see her in Brazil, and non-photo shopped pictures of us together. I also had to include proof that I could financially support her because she’s considered a dependent,” he explains.

Jason says the expensive part of getting the visa was the travel involved, because not only did she have to travel to the U.S. via a designated “entry port,” he needed to fly to Brazil for an interview together with the U.S. Consulate in Rio before the visa was granted. While his presence wasn’t absolutely required, he says it was made clear that your chances are greatly increased by the presence of the petitioner.

There’s no way to shop for cheap airfare when you’re working on a timeline that includes very little lead time for your interview appointment in the fiancé’s home country. Add to that Cassia didn’t live in Rio, she lived in Curitiba, a three-hour flight west of there. The approved physicians were also in Rio. Both halves of this couple had to spend enormously.

See More: Legal Requirements for Destination Weddings, Foreign Spouses, and Out-of-State Officiants

Finally, after they had their interview at the U.S. Consulate, they had to wait to find out if Cassia was approved. Visas are usually granted in a week to 10 days, meaning that you can’t comfortably buy your plane tickets to the states until you’ve gotten that go-ahead or you could lose a lot of money.

“I had booked the flight back to Miami for that Friday, four days after the interview. I was bleeding money at that point. Sure enough, the visa doesn’t arrive til Monday. It cost us an additional $700 to change the tickets,” Jason says.

With that said, Jason and Cassia say it was definitely worth all the time and expense to be together.

Sandy Malone is the owner of Sandy Malone Weddings & Events and author of How to Plan Your Own Destination Wedding: Do-It-Yourself Tips from an Experienced Professional. Sandy is the star of TLC’s reality show Wedding Island, about her destination wedding planning company, Weddings in Vieques.

7 Things Guaranteed To Get WAY Better When You Go to Couples Therapy

couple in therapy

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So, you’re wondering if couples therapy would help your relationship. There are many articles that discuss how sometimes couples counseling helps, and sometimes it doesn’t. There are several reasons therapy doesn’t improve the situation — for example: Sometimes people don’t want to work things out, or the therapist is not a good fit, or the relationship has been in trouble for far too long.

But more often than not, couples therapy can be extremely beneficial. Here are 7 important things therapy can teach you that will dramatically improve your relationship:

1. How to communicate in a way that brings you together

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It may sound simple, but in fact, it really isn’t. Learning how to actually talk WITH your partner and not AT your partner is a wonderful thing. It’s the small tweaking of the language you use that will allow you to be heard that makes all the difference. I’ve seen many couples in which simply changing their tone of voice with each other has a great effect.

2. How to truly listen to each other

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Have you ever realized your partner is talking but not understand the words? Do you nod your head or utter a noise that indicates you are listening, and then the other person says “So what did I say” and you have no idea? This is not listening.

Learning how to truly pay attention when your partner is talking seems so simple, yet it’s a major issue pretty much every couple I’ve seen struggles with.

See More: 6 Signs You’re In Love With A SERIOUS Narcissist (And How To Deal)

3. How to create and sustain intimacy

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Intimacy is NOT just sex. Intimacy also includes cuddling, laughing together or sharing your feelings. Imagine if you really could see into your partner’s mind and heart (and they could see into yours). Good couple’s therapy can help you do this.

4. How to have a healthy sex life

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The problem with sex is that people do not generally have wild-rip-your-clothes-off-or-porn-style sex on a regular basis. And the media makes us believe that if that is not happening then we are missing out. Therapy can help you get real about what’s preventing you from having good sex. It can help you figure out if it is an emotional or physical issue (and if it is physical, you’ll be advised to see your doctor or a sex therapist for specific treatment).

Differing libidos are a very common complaint in the therapy room. Therapy can teach you how to manage this in a way that does not degrade or belittle either partner, and gives you back a sense of sexual equality.

See More: 4 MUST-DO Tips For A Successful Monogamous Relationship

5. How to negotiate parenting differences

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Many couples struggle when they have different parenting styles. As a result, they fight about who is wrong, who is right, who is too tough, why the other isn’t tough enough, one parent does everything, the other parent does nothing. The list goes on.

Having an independent observer who has some training (a.k.a. your couples therapist) can help create a balance that honors both parenting styles. Again it is not about who is wrong or right (unless someone is putting the children at risk, of course); it is about teaching parents how to come up with an agreed plan of disciplinary action and showing parents how to manage different opinions in a respectful way.

6. How to balance power

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I like to describe this as a dance. If one person is too pushy about a particular thing (whether it be cleaning the house, parenting rules, sex, or anything else) the other partner is going to pull back more and more. And can you blame them? No one likes to be told what to do.

By giving both people in the relationship permission to change the way they handle these situations, change can happen almost immediately. One pulls back, the other has the space to step up. Just like a dance.

7. Healing your relationship after an affair

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An affair is usually a symptom of problems that already existed within the relationship. If someone has an affair it’s because they aren’t happy.

If the person is truly sorry, the affair and all contact with the other person has stopped, and the wounded partner can learn to forgive (with help), then a relationship can actually get stronger after the crisis. The couple can learn what went wrong and get to know each other on a much deeper level.

There are so many more areas that can be treated in couples therapy: past trauma’s playing out within the relationship, work stress getting in the way, injuries or illnesses. The secret to the process going well is to find a couples therapist who is right for you.

See More: 50 Love Quotes That Express Exactly What ‘I Love You’ Really Means

This article originally appeared on YourTango.

Having trouble in your relationship? Leanne Allen is a Psychologist and Life Coach at Reconnect Wellness Centre in Sydney, Aus. She can work with you in person or via Skype to restore your relationship and learn about yourself. Want to know more? Contact her at www.reconnect-psych.com.au

This Couple Waited 9 Years to Open a Wedding Gift, And What They Found Was Amazing

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After spending hours adding the perfect items to your wedding registry, it seems impossible that a bride and groom could just not open one of their wedding gifts. But for one couple, it took them nine years after their wedding day to open their last wedding gift.

Kathy and Brandon Gunn had a wedding present sitting in the back of their closet for nine year until they finally opened it this past May. Kathy posted her story on Facebook, and after being featured by the Love What Matters Facebook page on August 29th, her post garnered over 12,000 likes and 1,500 shares. (You can see the post below.)

The gift, Kathy explained in her post, was from her great Aunt Alison, and had an envelope taped onto it that read, “Do not open until your first disagreement.”

“Now, there had obviously been plenty of disagreements, arguments and slammed doors throughout our 9 years,” Kathy explained in her post. “There were even a couple of instances where we both considered giving up…but we never opened the box.”

So, what finally drove the couple, who now have a 6-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son together, to open the gift? Funny enough, they were sitting on their deck together at their home in Michigan, enjoying a glass of wine and wondering what gift to bring to an upcoming wedding in Kalamazoo when they realized that there was an unopened gift in their house. She said the reason that the box remained unopened after all this time, even though they had certainly had their share of arguments over the years, was because they were “too stubborn and determined” to open it.

“It forced us to reassess situations,” she explained. “Was it really time to open the box? What if this isn’t our worst fight? What if there’s a worse one ahead of us and we don’t have our box?!? As my Great Uncle Bill would say, ‘Nothing is ever so bad that it couldn’t get worse.'”

That night they finally opened the wedding gift, and inside they found two hand written notes wrapped around two different bundles of money, wine glasses, a vase, and bath products. The two notes, addressed to Kathy and Brandon separately, included instructions on exactly what each of them should do with the money. Kathy’s note told her to draw up a bath and buy a pizza, while Brandon’s note told him to buy some flowers and a bottle of wine.

This creative, heart-felt gift went from collecting dust in their house to becoming a major source of joy and learning for the couple.

“For 9 years (and three moves) that box sat high on a shelf in various closets gathering dust, yet it somehow taught us about tolerance, understanding, compromise and patience,” Kathy wrote in her post. “Our marriage strengthened as we became best friends, partners, and teammates. Today, we decided to open that box, because I finally had a realization. I realized that the tools for creating and maintaining a strong, healthy marriage were never within that box — they were within us.”

See More: Father Dies Just Minutes After Dancing at Daughter’s Wedding

The Huffington Post caught up with Kathy and Brandon after their story went viral to ask them what the most important lesson is that they have learned throughout their marriage.

“Life throws so many twists and turns at all of us, outside of marriage, and dealing with those problems can be difficult without someone to count on, lean on, confide in or cry with,” Kathy told The Huffington Post. “Brandon is my constant. No matter what struggles I am faced with, I know that I can always count on him to be in my corner and me in his. It’s so much easier to get through life when you have someone that will always be there for you and that would do anything for you, no matter the day or time.”

Go Inside This 1920s-Inspired Wedding in Nashville

Shortly after Lizelle Holstein moved to Nashville, Tennessee, in 2011, she found herself at an Oktoberfest celebration in the city’s Germantown neighborhood. When a man playing guitar on stage made a joke that anyone who came on stage to tie his shoe would leave with a CD, Lizelle’s sister-in-law encouraged her to go for it. After the set had ended, Lizelle asked the mystery man how she could contact him if she wanted to know more about his music and rather than offering up his phone number, he told her she could find his tunes all over social media. Despite the apparent brush-off, the guitarist, Jeffrey, was interested, and about a week later, Lizelle’s sister-in-law told her she had connected with Jeffrey on Facebook and he wanted to buy Lizelle a drink. She went to his next show and their first date was set for just a few days later. After that, they we were inseparable.

When New Year’s Eve of 2014 rolled around, Jeffrey surprised Lizelle with a romantic proposal in their own home. They then shared drinks at a nearby restaurant where their table overlooked the Nashville skyline and the spot where they first met.

Less than three months after their engagement, the couple exchanged vows during an intimate 1920s-themed bash in Nashville. They first invited 23 guests to a ceremony at Cotton Mill Studio and then opened up the party to 85 guests during a reception at The Sutler Saloon. The date of their big day was heavily influenced by the availability of Lizelle’s top choice of photographer. Luckily, timing aligned well and Kayla Coleman Photography was there to capture every last detail of their March 21, 2015, wedding.

Despite having just a few months to plan their day, the process was surprisingly simple. “It took about one day and a bottle of wine. Once we answered the basic questions, we had enough constraints to make decisions pretty easily,” Lizelle says. “Reminding myself that we didn’t have to do all the traditional things was the toughest part.”

Lizelle tackled a few DIY projects, like creating invitations for both the ceremony and reception and festive drink menus. As a nod to the story of how the couple first met, the bride included “From tying the shoe to tying the knot” on their stationery.

The bride waited until about a month before the big day to go wedding dress shopping. Lizelle’s mother planned to fly in from Cleveland to share in the experience, but when she was set to take off, weather waylaid their plans. “The day of my appointment, there was an ice storm, so my mom had to FaceTime in for the dress shopping,” the bride says. With her mom’s digital approval, Lizelle chose a Theia sheath with a v-neckline, hand beaded details, and cap sleeves.

She wore gold Jessica Simpson pumps, rose gold earrings with rubies, and her mother’s pearl bracelet to complete her look. Her bouquet was a compact arrangement of ivory anemones and ranunculus, accented with gold-sprayed Italian ruscus and wrapped in a black ribbon.

Jeffrey wore a three piece plaid suit by Bar III, paired with Kenneth Cole wingtip shoes. For a personal touch, the groom also wore a custom pocket watch with one of his favorite quotes engraved on it.

His boutonniere contained that same gold-sprayed Italian ruscus as Lizelle’s bouquet, plus a few colorful feathers.

The ceremony venue already had vintage chairs, chandeliers, velvet curtains, and gold frames on the walls, all fitting the couple’s Gatsby-era theme, so Lizelle and Jeffrey didn’t need to do much to the space. The bride put her own touch on Cotton Mill Studio by creating the feather palms that were placed at the start of the aisle.

The bride’s father walked her down the aisle while a recorded instrumental version of The Postal Service’s “Such Great Heights” was played throughout the room. The couple wrote their own ceremony and exchanged short and sweet vows surrounded by their nearest and dearest.

The party then moved to the Sutler Saloon, where the rest of Lizelle and Jeffrey’s loved ones met them for a non-traditional reception. Instead of a plated dinner, the newlyweds focused on plates of appetizers and snacks like a bruschetta, chicken and vegetable satay, a specialty sausage and cheese plate, and seasonal fruit tarts. And, in keeping with their cocktail-style party, there was no shortage of great sips. The duo dreamed up an extensive specialty drink menu featuring 1920s-themed cocktails like the Mint Julep, Vieux Carré, and Old Fashioneds, plus craft beer and wine selections.

“My dad, who is a man of few words, grabbed the microphone and gave the most incredible welcome to all of our guests,” says the bride. “It’s one of my favorite memories my Dad’s ever given me.”

Even the couple’s guests embraced the fun vibe of the wedding, donning their best Gatsby-inspired attire for the duration of the party.

For future couples contemplating how many guests to invite, Lizelle suggests using the same logic she and Jeffrey did. “How long is your reception in minutes? How many people are you inviting? Divide reception minutes by estimated guests. That’s how much time you’ll have for each guest — remember each added person equals shorter time with your favorites!”

Ceremony Venue: Cotton Mill Studio || Reception Venue & Catering: The Cellar at the Sutler Saloon || Bride’s Wedding Dress: Theia, purchased at The Dress Theory || Hair & Makeup: Alyssa Kraus || Groom’s Attire: Bar III || Engagement Ring: Studio 1040 || Wedding Bands: Formonte Jewellery || Flowers: Belles and Buttercups || Invitations: Greenvelope || Catering: Actual Food Nashville || Photographer: Kayla Coleman Photography

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Looking for more inspiration? Then check out another beautiful wedding, packed with incredible ideas, in the video below!

Do We Have to Have a Wedding Cake?

Wedding cakes are a time-honored tradition that many couples choose to include on their big day, alongside things like white wedding dresses and beautiful flowers. But just as some people don’t look their best in true white or would rather choose different décor elements than fresh blooms, not everyone loves cake! So if that’s you, can you opt to skip the wedding cake altogether? Our experts weigh in.

If you don’t want to serve cake at your wedding — whether it’s to keep costs down or because you don’t have a sweet tooth, would rather serve up doughnuts instead or any other reason — follow your heart. It’s your celebration, so there’s no reason to designate a chunk of your budget toward something you don’t see as a crucial part of your wedding day. The great thing is, skipping the wedding cake doesn’t mean your party has to be a dessert-free zone, nor does it mean you need to also skip traditions like the cake cutting or the first bite shared as husband and wife. We’ve got a few ideas that will more than make up for the absent tiered confection.

Instead of serving cake, look into alternative desserts that you love. You could offer an ice cream sundae bar, a spread of cookies and brownies, or your favorite flavors of pies. Are you a fan of more savory after-dinner options, like a cheese plate? Instead of setting out cheeses during cocktail hour, either have them arranged buffet-style after dinner, or have composed cheese plates delivered to each table. Include fresh fruits and squares of chocolate to pair with the different flavors. And if you’re a cheese lover who hasn’t seen a cheese cake before, prepare to be amazed! A coffee or hot cocoa bar is also a welcome end-of-the-night treat.

Don’t miss out on the photo opp just because you aren’t serving wedding cake. Slice into a pie or share bites of your favorite cupcake, or instead swap it out for a celebratory toast, linked arms and all.

See more: What is a Cake Cutting and Why is it Important?

John Krasinski Opening Up About Wife Emily Blunt Is Almost Too Cute to Handle

John Krasinski Calls Emily Blunt His Hero

Photo: Getty Images

Are John Krasinski and Emily Blunt even real?! This Hollywood duo is just too perfect for words and we’re getting a little sick of it. Kidding — we could never be sick of these two cuties. Between Krasinski always making us cry all the tears whenever he gushes about his wife and their picture-perfect red carpet appearances, there’s no short of evidence of their absolute perfection. The couple’s latest heart-melting moment? Last weekend, Krasinski appeared on Sunday Today and — you guessed it — the guy couldn’t help but gush about his beautiful bride.

“My wife is my hero in every single way,” Krasinski began, making us reach for the Kleenex already. (When are we going to learn that Krasinski + Blunt = tears, always?) “Truly every single day I’m blown away by her,” the actor continued. “So I’m always looking to her for inspiration.”

If that wasn’t enough to turn you into a real-life version of the heart eyes emoji, the conversation then turned to Krasinski’s new father-of-two status. The adorable twosome welcomed their second child — a daughter they named Violet — into the fam back in late June. And according to Krasinski, being a parent has “changed everything.”

See More: 12 of Our Favorite Celebrity Proposal Stories

“I did understand my character’s sort of plot a little better, being the guy on the doorstep of being a father,” he explained, referring to his new film, The Hollars. “I understood my parents better. Immediately I was even more thankful for having a loving relationship with my brothers. Then you start thinking about the bigger idea of who’s been here before you, and where you’re headed, and continuing on.”

“I am living a lottery ticket life,” said Krasinski, effectively making us dissolve into a puddle of emotions. “I don’t even know if I deserved to be here. I just love that people are giving me the opportunity.” BRB. Going to go cry all the tears, now…

John Krasinski and Emily Blunt

Photo: Giphy

4 Things You Can Do If You Lose Your Wedding Ring

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When that shiny diamond ring is glistening on your finger, it’s whether before your wedding or after your wedding, where it’s gone. Losing your wedding ring is something that can happen when you least expect it and can toss you into a moment of panic if you can’t find it or if you realize it’s gone forever. Before stressing out too much, here are four immediate steps you can take if you lose your wedding ring.

1. Go on a hunt to find it.

First things first — try to pull yourself together and remember the last time you had the ring on — or the last place you remember being it. From there, retrace your steps — and even enlist some of your loyal friends to come with you — so that you can have extra pairs of eyes helping scope the scene out.

2. File an insurance claim.
If you did have insurance on your ring (fingers crossed!), the first thing you can do is file an insurance claim. Let your insurance company know immediately that the ring was lost. It’s best to do this within 24 hours of misplacing the ring. If you do end up finding it, you can cancel the claim and give the update to your insurance company.

3. Use a temporary ring.
If you lost the wedding ring before your actual wedding, instead of stressing out over having to spend a ton of money on a new ring, borrow a ring or purchase a fake diamond ring just to wear on the day. Your guests will be too busy enjoying their time that they won’t notice.

4. Chat with the store.
While there is very little that the store can do to replace the current ring, it is worth going back to the place that the ring was purchased and see if they can recreate a similar ring for you or even give you a discount on a brand new ring.

See More: 3 Brides Share What Happened When They Lost Their Engagement Rings

Jen Glantz is a “Professional Bridesmaid” and the founder of Bridesmaid for Hire. She’s the author of All My Friends Are Engaged and frequently wears old bridesmaid dresses to the grocery store and on first dates.

This Bride Dyed Her Wedding Dress to Match Her Hair: See the Photos

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Photo: Courtesy of Taylor Ann Art via Instagram

We’ve totally fallen head over heels for ombré wedding dresses around here! We’ve seen this trend coming down the bridal runways, most notably at Christian Siriano for Kleinfeld, but one California bride took her love of ombré to the extreme! Already sporting a very colorful head of pink, blue, and purple ombré hair, 24-year-old artist Taylor Ann decided to dye her dress to match. Forget matching your shoes to your dress, it’s all about the hair.

Taylor Ann put her creative ways to good use when it came to her colorful Lake Arrowhead wedding day. Inspired by the colors of a “sunset but in the woods” Taylor Ann created a palette of soft burnt orange, red, and deep purple that reverberated throughout her wedding day decor — most notably her hair and dress! Sporting a side-swept braid colored in pinks, blues, and purples, Taylor Anna dip-dyed her secondhand wedding dress to match.

“At first I was 100% sure I could do this. 20 min into coloring, I thought I ruined my dress. It took a few days for me to regain confidence and work on it again,” Taylor Ann shared on her website. She chronicled the dress’s journey from discount store buy (7 sizes too big!) to perfectly fitted original on her site’s blog. This transformation involved adventures in lace, spray painting, and a lot of patience. “I just took my airbrush I had been using to get nice fades of color on the flowers and just sprayed it. and kept spraying it more and more. All in all it was about 3 layers of paint on each layer of fabric and even on the inside of the lace edge.”

Maybe Taylor Ann took inspiration from the runways, or maybe from the most famed dip-dyed wedding dress in recent history: Gwen Stefani‘s unforgettable pink John Galliano gown. Either way, it’s a head turning look we’re totally down with!

See more: 12 Celebrities Who Didn’t Wear White Down the Aisle

Taylor Ann's airbrushed dress is making its way through the Internet, so here it is. Would you wear it on your wedding? Tag a friend who would wear it! @taylorannart airbrushed her own wedding dress, wedding photographer is @jamestangphotography, blog post on my website with link to Taylor's bts page with more unique wedding details, http://www.jamestangphotography.com/colorful-lake-arrowhead-pine-rose-cabin-wedding-taylor-and-chris/ . #weddingdress #uniquewedding #tiedyedweddingdress #airbrushedweddingdress #theknot #colorfulwedding #weddinginspiration #weddinghair #diywedding #diyweddingdress #creativeweddingdress #beautiful #oneofakind #jamestangphotography #socalbride #socalweddingphotographer #pinerose #pinerosewedding

A photo posted by James Tang (@jamestangphotography) on Sep 6, 2016 at 7:59am PDT

Photographer Captures Jaw-Dropping Wedding Photo in Yosemite (Without Even Knowing the Couple)

When in Yosemite National Park, it’s pretty much a given that you’re going to be taking pictures. But when photographer Mike Karas saw a bride and groom atop a cliff on the next peak at sunset, he knew he had to capture the moment, even though he wasn’t shooting their wedding.

Karas, who was visiting the national park from Hawaii, was enjoying a captivating sunset on September 1 at Taft Point along the Pohono Trail. As the sun was setting in its perfect orange glow, he just happened to see a couple dressed in wedding attire on the next cliff, The Daily Mail reported. Luckily, Karas had his camera in tow, so he did as any smart photographer would do — took a photo. And that quick decision is now a viral wedding photo circulating around the world.

‘I was just snapping away trying to get them,’ Karas told Oregon Live on Sunday. ‘It was just unbelievable. The sunset that night was awesome.'” It was surreal,” he said. “We had seen the bride and groom walking down, but all of a sudden we saw them out on the ledge as we were shooting other photos and that ‘Eureka!’ moment just unfolded.” The photo shows a striking orange sunset with a couple standing on the cliff in an embrace, perfectly silhouetted for the shot. In a word: STUNNING.

Do I like #Yosemite? ?….. I do! ???

A photo posted by Mike Karas (@mike.karas) on Sep 2, 2016 at 1:29pm PDT

In an effort to find out who the bride and groom were so that he could share his awe-inspiring capture, Karas shared the photo on Instagram and Facebook. It took a few days to get ahold of them, and in the meantime, the photo went viral (for obvious reasons). But once found, their wedding photographer, Derek Copenhaver, told NBC Bay Area that they wish to remain anonymous.

See More: Our Favorite Wedding Photographers Share Their Best Photos

Copenhaver was one of the photographers that actually captured the wedding (for a fee!), and he shared a few details of the nuptials. The ceremony was performed in Yosemite Valley, after which the bride and groom hiked up to Taft Point in their wedding attire (kind of reminds us of our volcano wedding couple, just saying…). Adventurous brides FTW — and best photographs.

Regardless of the couple’s wishes, it’s an experience — and photo — that Karas will never forget. “Thanks for adding to an already amazing sunset photo opportunity and I would love to be able to share this with you,” Karas said on social media. “As much of an amazing moment it was for me to capture, it was clearly an even more special moment in your life.”

3 Ways to Ensure You'll Have Hot Sex After the Wedding

Sex Tips for Married Couples

Photo: Getty Images

Keeping things hot and heavy with your spouse isn’t always easy — especially after years, and years, and years of marriage. So what’s a couple to do to stay satisfied between the sheets as well as outside of the bedroom? Lucky for us, Dr. Jane Greer divulged her genius secrets for maintaining a fabulous sex life with your spouse way after the wedding night.

1. If you say no, say it with a rain check.
While it is wonderful to feel in sync with your spouse, there is no denying that despite how connected you are everyone’s appetite varies from time to time, whether it is for dinner or for sex. It is impossible to always be in the same mood for intimacy simultaneously, just as it’s unlikely that you will always want to have a similar meal. If, for example, you had a huge lunch and hope to have a small snack for dinner on the same day your partner skipped lunch altogether and is looking forward to a big meal out, you will find yourselves in a place that can be frustrating and require compromise. Your desire for sex can differ in the same way.

The thing is, when someone says no to sex it can very often feel like a rejection, even though it is not meant to be one. The goal is to make room for your different needs in a way that is loving and supportive, so that even though you might be saying no in the moment, it is not a no to your spouse. Start with the no but make it a “not now,” and offer a rain check for when you will be happy to have sex so you and your partner can look forward to your time together and build up excitement.

2. Have spontaneous scheduled sex.
When you were first dating, sex probably felt spontaneous because when you spent time with each other you didn’t know if you would have sex but the possibility that you would was always there. You were on a date, which by definition is time set aside to be together, so the potential to find the occasion to be intimate was high. Now that you live together, you would think finding time for sex would be easy, but the reality is that everything else creeps in and without the structured moments reserved just for you, it is sometimes too easy to brush aside.

So with that in mind, it is still important to schedule time to be together. Perhaps a date night is what you need to bring back some of your spontaneity — a few hours to focus on just the two of you — during which sex can take place anytime. Think outside the box. It can be a Sunday brunch with sex over easy before the eggs, or even an afternoon cup of coffee, so that date night can see the light of day as well!

See More: 6 Types of Sex Every Married Couple Can Totes Relate To

3. Capture the moment.
As simple as it sounds, capturing the moment can be one of the most elusive things to do because it gets trapped in the day-to-day minutiae of life. We all have a mental list of what we should be doing and what we have to get done. It can be so hard to put down, that a kiss or a caress from a partner which could be an invitation to a sexual rendezvous can instead feel like an interruption. In fact, you might even find yourself annoyed because it would stop you from accomplishing your tasks. If so, by asking your partner to leave you alone, can’t he see you’re busy, you might be unwittingly shutting down the opportunity for shared pleasure and making him feel bad. Rather than just saying no so you can continue on your way to get the tires checked or to food shop for dinner, look to welcome the advances, and the interruption, and think of it as a time to do something else important — share some moments of love with your spouse so you can enjoy your bond.

Dr. Jane Greer is a New York-based relationship expert, radio host, and the author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook and follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy.