Fashion designer Katie Fong met husband-to-be Owen Biglin at Manhattan’s Public House shortly after Hurricane Sandy devastated the area. Katie, who lived in Connecticut, was in town for a visit, while Owen was staying at a nearby hotel because his apartment had flooded in the storm. After few happy hour specials and some friendly conversation between their groups of friends, the two realized they had completely hit it off. In January of 2015, Owen popped the question while walking with Katie through Grand Central Station. “Everyone around us was clapping and congratulating us. It was so sweet, simple, and such a surprise everything I had ever wanted for a proposal,” Katie says.

On September 26, 2015, Katie and Owen invited 210 guests to take part in the couple’s ceremony and reception in the bride’s hometown of Greenwich. With plans to start a family there, the bride and groom wanted to tie the knot in church that they could call home for the rest of their lives, which they found in Second Congregational Church. And when it came to their reception venue, Katie knew just where to look: She recalled memories of fishing with her father each Sunday and passing by the Indian Harbor Yacht Club, her dream venue. Read on to see their stunning fall day overlooking the Long Island Sound, as captured by Kevin Kelley Photography.

As a designer who regularly works on custom gowns for clients, Katie knew from the start that she wanted to create her own wedding dress. Thanks to her partnership with a local bridal salon, the fashion-savvy bride still had the experience of trying on dresses, which helped her determine what style worked best for her body. “It’s something every bride must do!” she says.

In the end, she stuck to her original plan of creating something custom and decided on a fit-and-flare wedding dress with a Chantilly lace illusion top and alencon lace detailing. “When my maid of honor saw it during my first fitting, she broke out in tears and I did too,” Katie says.

Owen teamed up with one of Katie’s bridesmaids, jewelry designer Andrea Del Bello, to create earrings made with crystal quartz, moonstone, and sapphires for the bride to wear down the aisle.

Owen wasn’t the only one to design some accessories for the big day. Katie worked with a local jeweler to create a pair of sterling silver cufflinks for Owen that were engraved with the couple’s wedding date and monogram. He paired the thoughtful gift with a custom navy suit, Paul Stuart shirt, bowtie, and loafers.

Bridesmaids wore navy lace pencil dresses lined in white silk charmeuse from Katie’s own collection. The bride also gifted her attendants rectangular crystal earrings. Owen’s groomsmen paired khaki pants with white button down shirts and navy jackets.

Before their wedding ceremony, the bride and groom took part in a traditional Chinese tea ceremony. There, Katie wore an old fashioned “kwa,” a two pieced embroidered satin outfit, while Owen donned a requisite navy embroidered top.

Katie and Owen served tea to their parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles during the ceremony. In return, they receive red envelopes that represented good luck. The bride also received one more special token during the ceremony: Her mother gave her a jade necklace that Katie’s late grandmother had chosen for her to wear during the meaningful tradition.

With help from their reverend, the pair decided on a 45-minute-long ceremony that included classic vows and scripture readings. An organist played Canon in D while the bride made her way down the aisle, carrying a breathtaking bouquet of white mini calla lilies, roses, dahlias, Israeli ruscus, and seeded eucalyptus.

“Owen was raised Catholic and was used to the idea of a two-hour long ceremony, while I was raised Protestant and thought we should have a ten-minute long ceremony,” Katie says. “Settling on this ceremony instead was perfect. We kept everything modern with certain word choices.”

The reception décor was kept simple at this wedding, with white and navy linens used to top the tables and Chinoiserie pots as centerpieces. Guests snacked on hors d’oeuvres ranging from white truffle mac & cheese to lobster quesadillas before exploring the “summer dip” station, the “tea sandwich” station, and the two raw bars where everything from oysters and clams to shrimp cocktail were served up. They also sipped on “His” signature cocktail, the Dark & Stormy, or “Hers,” the Moscow Mule.

Once inside, guests watched as the newlyweds shared their first dance to Ray LaMontage’s “You Are The Best Thing.”

The couple’s tiered dessert consisted of layers of vanilla wedding cake with hazelnut filling and key lime cake (the groom’s favorite!). Katie and Owen chose a statement basket weave detail for the frosting and decorated the entire sweet treat with hydrangeas and Italian ruscus.

Mr. and Mrs. Biglin drove off as husband and wife in Katie’s late grandmother’s vintage Jaguar, closing the day with a meaningful touch. “Though it can be very stressful, enjoy every second of it,” the bride tells future couples. “All the crazy planning will be so worth it in the end!”

Ceremony Venue: The Second Congregational Church of Greenwich, Connecticut || Reception Venue & Coordination: Indian Harbor Yacht Club || Bride’s Wedding Dress & Bridesmaids’ Dresses: Katie Fong || Jewelry: Andrea Del Bello Jewelry || Hair & Makeup: Christopher Noland Hair Salon || Groom’s Attire: My Suit Bespoke Suiting || Groomsmen’s Attire: J.Crew & Vineyard Vines || Engagement Ring & Wedding Bands: Landsberg Jewelers || Florist: Mr. Bokay Flowers || Invitations: Minted || Music: ETA Music || Cate: St. Moritz Bakery || Photographer: Kevin Kelley Photography

Did you love this wedding? Then check out another couple’s Connecticut celebration in the video below.

Attending a wedding is a big commitment. Even if you’re not traveling for a few days to be with the happy couple, you’re still devoting almost an entire day to their celebration (not including the time you’ll spend getting gussied up to attend!). So if you have other things on your schedule, can you attend just the ceremony but not the reception — or vice versa? Here’s what our experts have to say.

While the reception is definitely the fun part of any wedding, the ceremony is the moment that really matters — that is when the couple actually gets married, after all!

If your schedule prevents you from staying for the entire celebration, but you still want to be there to witness the “I dos,” be sure to include that information in your RSVP so that the couple knows you’ll be attending, but that they don’t need to save you a seat at dinner. You don’t need to give a detailed explanation of your plans, but a brief note stating that you’ll be there for the ceremony but aren’t able to party with them after will suffice. And of course, since you will be attending the ceremony, you should remember to send a wedding gift!

The no-no, however, is skipping the ceremony and going straight to the party. You’ve been invited to be a part of an important moment in this couple’s lives, and it would be rude to only show up for the food, booze, and dancing.

If you really won’t be able to attend the ceremony, due to your work schedule or another conflict, get in touch with the couple before sending in your RSVP. Let them know that you won’t be able to make the ceremony, and ask (yes, ask!) if they would mind if you still joined them for the reception. Be prepared for them to say no!

And that rumor that you don’t need to attend the ceremony if you have a history with one half of the couple (i.e. the groom is your ex)? Forget it! If you two are close enough for you to get a wedding invite in the first place, it’s an invite to the whole shebang.

See more: What to Do When Guests RSVP, But Are a No-Show at the Wedding

After suffering quite a rough patch, it seems that Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian are well on their way to making amends with the reality TV star’s family. The Kardashians, understandably upset over Rob’s handling of his engagement announcement (trust us people, do NOT share your engagement on Instagram before telling your family first!), recently aired an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians that showed all of the sisters’ reactions to the sudden news. Let’s just say, Kourtney’s major side-eye said it all.

But after the drama finally dissipated and and all was said and done, it really does look like the pair is on MUCH better terms with the KUWTK clan. The proof? Khloé’s incredible Dave & Buster’s 32nd birthday bash which was joined not only by all of the sisters and Kris Jenner, but also Blac Chyna and Rob! And after a mass of joyous Instagram’s were posted with the notoriously shady bro and his pregnant fiancée, it’s safe to say Blac Chyna (or should we say Angela Kardashian?!) is being welcomed into the fam with open arms.

With a party full of candy, Jell-O shots, and every game imaginable, how could they all not get along>? Even Kim, the Kardashian who started it all, was seen getting close to Rob’s sweetheart as they danced and played air hockey together. The birthday girl also couldn’t help being her goofy self around the soon-to-be newlyweds, in an adorable photo booth pic posted to Instagram. But what really got us excited was a photo of the bride with her future mother-in-law, which sported the caption, “So much fun with Mama @krisjenner”.

D’awww!

We want to say that we hope this family bliss lasts until Rob’s big day, but knowing the Kardashian clan that’s practically impossible. So for now, we’ll just look at everyone’s happy faces and smile… until the next blow up!

See more: The Kardashians Have Something to Say About Rob and Blac Chyna’s Engagement — And They Don’t Sound Happy

Hey Girlllllll ???? @kimkardashian

A photo posted by Blac Chyna (@blacchyna) on Jun 28, 2016 at 1:28am PDT

So much fun ???? with Mama @krisjenner

A photo posted by Blac Chyna (@blacchyna) on Jun 28, 2016 at 12:01am PDT

Slip n slide with @blacchyna

A video posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Jun 27, 2016 at 10:36pm PDT

#kim #kimkardashian #kimkardashianwest #kimksnapchat #kimksnapchats #kimkardashiansnapchat #kkw #girls #beauty #london #paris #milan #newyork #la #miami #atlanta #snapchat #kimye #turnup #khloekardashian #birthday #party #blacchyna

A video posted by Kim Kardashian Snapchats (@kimksnapchats) on Jun 27, 2016 at 11:11pm PDT

A photo posted by Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) on Jun 28, 2016 at 1:09am PDT

Walking down the aisle on your wedding day, is of course one of the biggest moments of your life! But gone are the days of making a big impression with just the front of your
wedding dress. Sure, everyone may watch you walk down the aisle — but it’s your back they’ll be looking at most during the ceremony. So you better make sure your dress screams “wow” from the back! Here, 6 wedding dresses that look even better from the back.

A daring scoop-plunge backline adds a sexy touch to Katie May’s chic Barcelona dress (above), highlighted with peek-a-boo French Chantilly lace trim in the scoop for a bit of romance. Coupled with a chiffon fabric, the look really flatters all of the assets — and we’re not just talking your back!

This bohemian beauty of a dress is complemented with a naked mesh back and delicate floral embroidery. Attached to loose sleeves and an even looser skirt, it’s perfect for the free spirit. Romantic and whimsical, Elise Hameau’s Iris dress takes on full effect when paired with short hair or an updo.

We can’t get enough of this back triangle cut-out and the backdrop it provides for the collar’s playful tassels. The open shape mirrors the geometric printed lace that comprises Grace Loves Lace’s Soho dress, providing a beautiful and modern twist for the trendy bride.

A large bow perched at the bottom of the back and top of the derriere adds a fun and feminine element to this otherwise classic Carolina Herrera number. Paired with a show-stopping sophisticated train, the look is simple but stylish.

Soft tulle butterfly sleeves adorned with hand-beaded embellishments drape over the shoulders for a vintage and dreamy look in Anna Campbell’s Adelaide dress. Wear this ethereal beauty, and you’ll certainly feel like a bridal goddess saying your “I dos” at the altar.

A sheer back accentuated with baroque-inspired embroidery combines the best of a jaw-dropping back and beautiful details. Rich fabric and a tight silhouette with a flared train streamline this alluring look while adding a dash of flair.

See More: 50 Things to Know About Finding Your Dream Wedding Dress

The key to staying ageless? We’re not totally sure, but from the looks of Julia Louis-Dreyfus, it may be making people laugh — and being in a happy marriage! The former Seinfeld star celebrated her 29th wedding anniversary with husband Brad Hall in typical 2016 style by posting a throwback photo of her wedding on Instagram — lucky us.

The 55-year-old actress shared a black and white photo of her 1987 nuptials (see the picn below), in which she is decked out in a puffy-sleeved ball gown with lace ruffles along the neckline and sleeves, channeling a total ’80s vibe (not that we’re complaining). She captioned the photo, “29 years ago today. A good choice. #remain,” the hashtag being a subtle dig at the British “Brexit” decision from last week. Her hair was pulled back in a low chignon, and she donned a cathedral-length veil, holding a bouquet of loose white blooms. Just a short while later, the native New Yorker posted a present-day selfie of her and her hubs, proving that she, literally, doesn’t age.

The Veep star has been happily married to Hall for 29 years, after they met while attending Northwestern University, according to People, and she notes that it really was love at first sight. “There were a couple of moments, some of which I will not share,” the comedian joked, “But I would say that I knew almost immediately [that he was the one]. It’s really the truth.” The couple met when the Louis-Dreyfus was trying out for one of Hall’s plays on campus.

Fast-forward to the present, and the two have two children together and almost 30 years of marriage under their belts. Unless her real-life dance moves resemble that of her character Elaine’s on Seinfeld (which to most would be a total deal breaker), it appears that the two are definitely in it for long haul.

The comedian says that her secret to staying young is partly due to her happy marriage, but we’re thinking it may also have to do with some magic elixir or potion she’s drinking, too. Or maybe eating cake? Spill your anti-aging secrets, girl!

See More: How to Get Gorgeous Skin Overnight (Just In Time for Your Wedding)

29 years ago today. A good choice. #remain

A photo posted by Julia Louis-Dreyfus (@officialjld) on Jun 25, 2016 at 12:45pm PDT

Trying not to get birthday cake on my dress. Although it would be worth it. @susiecakesbakery #veep

A photo posted by Julia Louis-Dreyfus (@officialjld) on Jan 16, 2016 at 6:10pm PST

Tonight's lovely episode of @veephbo is entitled #cuntgate & is directed by this lovely man who is married to this lovely cunt.

A photo posted by Julia Louis-Dreyfus (@officialjld) on May 29, 2016 at 5:05pm PDT

Getting my Amtrack drunk on. Headed to DC for @veephbo #veep

A photo posted by Julia Louis-Dreyfus (@officialjld) on Feb 26, 2016 at 5:00pm PST

Home again home again jiggity jig. #goldenglobes #veep

A photo posted by Julia Louis-Dreyfus (@officialjld) on Jan 10, 2016 at 11:10pm PST

An engagement is a huge milestone in and of itself. But before you hit it, our experts say, there are a few big moments you must experience. Here are six of them.

1. You’re comfortable with one another’s friends and families.
Before you get engaged, you should reach a place where you’re comfortable in each other’s social circles, says Jane Greer, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruing Your Relationship. “You want to be able to bring your partner to family events and happenings with friends, and you want to feel like they’re becoming a part of your network,” she explains. “It’s important that they not only meet these people in your life, but that they begin to demonstrate their compatibility.”

2. You’ve taken a trip together.
A little getaway is not only good for your relationship, but “traveling together is a great way to get to know each other outside of your safe bubble,” says April Masini, a New York-based relationship and etiquette expert. “When you run up against the unexpected — whether it’s lost reservations, missed planes, facing danger on a zip line or swimming with sharks or sting rays, or some other more banal surprise like a food poisoning or simply bargaining with street vendors — you learn a lot about your partner.”

3. You’ve hit a financial groove that works for you both.
You don’t have to (and probably shouldn’t) join your bank accounts before you get engaged. But, says Geer, “you should be able to establish a working financial plan that makes room for your individual as well as joint needs. If you’re not living together, you can still have this in place. For example, perhaps one person pays for dinners out while the other pays for weekend entertainment.” The important thing is, she says, “it feels balanced for the both of you.”

See More: Things No One Tells You About Getting Engaged

4. You feel secure sharing a living space.
You don’t have to live together before you get engaged. But it’s important to hit the milestone of being comfortable in one another’s living spaces before you talk about combining your households, says Greer. “If you’re visiting each other’s homes, then you should see each other helping out with responsibilities, like making the coffee in the morning, making the bed, and more,” she says. “Get a sense of how well you’re able to be considerate of each other’s needs, like if someone needs privacy to talk on the phone.”

5. You’ve babysat together.
If you want children one day, it’s a good idea to gauge whether you can take on this important task with your partner, Masini says. “Babysitting a neighbor’s child or a niece or nephew is a great way to see how you each are with kids,” she says. “If you want to have a family one day, this experience will give you insight into his feelings and his way with kids, and it also gives him the opportunity to see you in a new light. Many times couples have no idea how their partner will be with kids, but this experience hedges against that unknown.”

6. You’ve had one big fight — and pulled through.
No one likes to fight. But having a serious disagreement and proving to one another you can pull through is an important milestone before marriage, Greer says. “Have at least one, if not more, big disagreement where you had a hard time seeing your partner’s point of view, but you were able to accept your differences and move forward,” she describes. “Be in a problem-solving mode with your partner so you know you can resolve each other’s differences without it being an ever-present area of contention.”

It can be tough to remember that weddings aren’t just about the couple, says Jaclyn Fisher, owner of Philadelphia-based Two Little Birds Planning. But your wedding guests matter big time, too. “While a wedding is about celebrating their love, it’s important for couples to remember that they are hosting their guests, and as good hosts, their guests’ comfort and happiness should be top-of-mind,” Fisher says.

But luckily, says Viva Max Kaley, New York-based wedding planner and creator of Viva Max Weddings, “happiness for guests can be pretty straightforward. They want to know what they’re doing, where they’re going, and what’s expected of them.” So here, according to our experts, is how to give them what they need and keep them happy as clams on your big day.

1. A comprehensive wedding website.
Everyone seems to have a wedding website these days. But the ones that stand out to guests, says Fisher, are those that include all the details about the big day. Think: the dates, times, and addresses of all wedding-related events; the hotel room block information with the hotel’s phone number, address, and a link to the booking site; transportation details if applicable; and recommendations of restaurants, shopping, and area attractions. “The unknown can be stressful,” explains Fisher, “so communicating the details to your guests will make it easier for them to book their travel, plan their weekend, and enjoy their time with you.”

2. Well-stocked welcome bags.
Says Fisher, “Nothing is nicer than getting a gift bag of goodies at hotel check in.” But even better, she says, is when that goody bag is stuffed to the brim with useful items such as snacks, water, location information, and hangover helpers. “Don’t forget to include a welcome letter reiterating the shuttle information and wedding details,” Fisher adds. “And be sure to include the venue address for those driving themselves.”

3. Seeing the happy couple.
The easiest way to make your guests very happy? Be happy yourselves, Kaley says. “People are watching you,” she explains. “They spent time and energy to celebrate your new love and this new chapter in your life. And if you’re negative, the mood of the event will feel negative.” So if you’re feeling stressed or facing a wedding day disaster, “try to take a moment to feel out a way to be with your guests in a positive and gracious way,” Kaley suggests. “If you’re smiling, appreciating, and being joyous with your friends and family, that’s what will make your guests the happiest.”

4. Clearly marked wedding signage.
Wedding signs are the way you’ll communicate the details of the day, such as shuttle departure times, what signature drink you’re serving at the bar, and which direction they’ll want to head in order to find the outdoor lounge. “Good signage is especially important if your venue is spread out or if you have activities such as a photo booth or lawn games,” says Fisher. “You worked hard to plan these details and signage will make sure your guests can find and enjoy everything.”

See More: What to Tell Wedding Guests Before the Ceremony

5. Passed drinks at cocktail hour.
Says Fisher, “Nobody likes waiting in line to get a drink — your wedding guests included.” By having servers at-the-ready to greet your guests with beer, wine, water, and even a signature cocktail, “you will eliminate a long line at the start of your reception,” says Fisher. Bonus drink tip: “Offering guests wine service with dinner lets guests sit, relax, and enjoy their meal without worrying about constant trips to the bar,” Fisher says.

6. A variety of food.
Not everyone is a meat eater, nor can everyone stomach tofu. “Be prepared for different palettes with a variety of food options for your guests,” says Fisher. “Guests will remember bad food or being hungry because there weren’t options that were appealing to them.” When you plan your menu, cover all the bases. “Have an assortment of passed hors d’oeuvres at cocktail hour, including one that features chicken, another that is fish, a steak option, and at least one vegetarian item,” Fisher says.

7. Amenities in the restrooms.
Your guests might not slip into the reception restroom just to go to the bathroom. And by offering bathroom amenities or baskets, you could be helping them out in a time of minor crisis, like a wardrobe malfunction. “It’s a wedding detail that makes guests feel well taken care of,” she explains. “The baskets should include items such as Band-Aids, for those who forgot to break in their shoes; a sewing kit and pins, for unfortunate wardrobe malfunctions; and mints, to keep everyone feeling minty fresh.”

8. Heartfelt thank you notes.
Your guests may have spent good money on your gift, and sending them a thank you card “ensures they’re confident that you received their gift,” says Kaley. “Mailing something from a registry can feel like a removed process, with guests often wondering if it ever arrived. Putting an envelope in a box at the wedding is also a bit mysterious for some guests, who wonder if you saw their gift. Writing a thank you note eases their concerns and lets them know their gift was received.”

Monique Lhuillier is no stranger to the red carpet. The designer’s dresses have walked down the famous crimson carpets at the Oscars, Golden Globes, SAG Awards, and more. But there’s another important walk where Monique Lhuillier has become a celebrity staple: the walk down the wedding aisle! And if her shopping spree yesterday is any indication, Julianne Hough will join the ranks of Reese Witherspoon, Lauren Conrad and more celebrity brides, by wearing a Monique Lhuillier wedding dress on her big day.

Dancing With the Stars alum Julianne Hough — who’s been engaged to hockey player Brooks Laich since August 2015 — has wedding dress shopping on the brain! The fabulously fit star looks to finally be getting her wedding plans together, and as we know, it all starts with the dress. According to the Daily Mail, Hough was spotted in Los Angeles, shopping at Monique Lhuillier’s West Hollywood boutique. Hough browsed the racks of beautiful lace wedding dresses, and took the time to look at some bridesmaid dresses and ready-to-wear options as well.

Is it too soon to say she’s found the one? Not if Ms. Lhuillier’s former clientele has anything to do with it. We imagine Hough would proudly join the ranks of fashion-forward celebrity brides who donned Monique Lhuillier on their big day. Remember the awe-inspiring blush gown Reese Witherspoon chose to wed Jim Toth in 2011? Monique! Lauren Conrad‘s fit-and-flare number from her 2014 wedding to William Tell was another classic Monique Lhuillier gown. Ashley Tisdale’s boho-inspired look, another nod to Monique Lhuillier. Naya Rivera, Stacy Keibler, Savanna Guthrie, Alicia Silverstone, Vanessa Minnillo, Kristin Cavallari, Carrie Underwood — the list of Monique Lhuillier’s celebrity brides goes on and on. Even Britney Spears slipped into a Monique wedding dress for her infamous wedding to Kevin Federline!

See More: Monique Lhuillier’s Spring 2017 Wedding Dress Collection

So, does this shopping trip mean Hough is saying yes to a Monique Lhuillier dress? Only time will tell. Either way, we’re glad to see Hough’s wedding plans are finally shaping up after the Grease star joked with Entertainment Tonight last week, saying, “We might get married in 10 years. Who knows?” Dress shopping is a sign that we’ll be singing “Here comes the bride” before we know it! Phew.

Russell Brand has a new leading lady in his life! The actor, who was previously married to Katy Perry, is rumored to be engaged to Laura Gallacher. But the rumor mill doesn’t stop there for this cute couple — the pair is said to be expecting their first child together, too!

The 41-year-old comedian and his 27-year-old love reportedly told friends and family about the exciting news during an engagement party at his riversie home in Oxfordshire over the weekend, the Daily Mail reports. The “hippie-style” engagement party included a few famous attendees such as Laura’s sister, Kirsty Gallacher, who is an English television presenter, as well as Susie Amy, one of the stars of the British TV show Footballers’ Wives — these two even shared some Instagrams of the event, so we can get a glimpse of the festivities.

Kirsty Gallacher captioned one pic of her and Susie Amy: “Gorgeous day with @susieamy et al Brand/Gallacher family day!”

On a photo of her and her sister Laura, Kirsty wrote: “Congratulations to my gorgeous sister @daisypoppets.”

One other detail we can’t get over? During the engagement party, guests reportedly mingled with the couple’s animals, which includes a giant tortoise named Turbo.

The rumored bride-to-be is also rumored to be five (or six, reports are mixed) months pregnant with Brand’s first child. “Russell didn’t want a big fuss this time after his very public relationship with Katy,” a source revealed to The Sun. “Laura is also keen to keep their romance low-key, so the small, intimate party was very much in keeping with their ‘homebods’ image.”

“As they are becoming parents, Russell wanted to do the right thing and make Laura his wife,” the source continued. “She’s delighted he asked.”

Russell Brand is getting married again! https://t.co/kF5M97GLBE pic.twitter.com/MJJrIlBTkJ

— Metro Entertainment (@Metro_Ents) June 28, 2016

Sounds like the couple, who are old friends and previously dated in 2007 and 2009, might make it down the aisle before Brand’s ex-wife, who has been making headlines recently for her steamy relationship with Orlando Bloom.

Relationship rumors between Bloom and Perry first started swirling when the duo was spotted flirting at January’s Golden Globes after-parties, and then in March it was finally confirmed that that pair was officially an item. “Katy likes how down to earth Orlando is,” the insider told E! News. “They seem to be getting serious and are an official couple. She calls him her boyfriend.” Since then, the actor and pop star have been packing on the PDA during tropical vacays (Perry even posted a little peek into their Cannes vacay! Social media official, y’all!), award shows, even lunch dates! Consider these two basically our “Teenage Dream!” But now things are apparently getting even more serious and a new special and sparkly piece of jewelry just might be in Perry’s future.

While many people would happily campaign for something on behalf of a friend or loved one, they may have a hard time asking for things for themselves. We’re taught when we’re little that asking for too much is a surefire way to lose friends and damage our reputation. The nagging partner, the annoying employee—they’re almost like fairytale characters warning us not to be too demanding of those around us. No wonder we find ourselves adrift in adulthood with intense anxiety surrounding asking for change.

Standing up for what you need can be challenging. Even the thought of asking can be nerve wracking, most often because we immediately jump to the “what if” consequences of such a request.

“If I ask for a raise, I might just get fired.”

“If I ask to take our relationship to the next level, he’ll freak out and break up with me.”

“If I ask her to be less self-interested when we hang out, it’ll end our friendship.”

So we don’t ask. The situation continues and worsens. We grow more and more frustrated and find ourselves steeped in resentment, feelings of being undervalued or taken advantage of, and worried our relationships could fall apart at any moment. We get into arguments. We create grudges. We explosively quit our jobs.

It would be so much easier to preemptively address these issues, or at least address them before they blow up, by bringing them to the attention of the other interested parties in a way that is productive, respectful and positive. That is to say, more likely to elicit the response we desire.

Here’s how to ask for what you want and need without burning bridges.

Acknowledge you will need to communicate
At the heart of most interpersonal frustration is a lack of clear communication, particularly in instances where one party feels unheard or unvalued by the other. We can’t assume our bosses, partners or friends know what we’re thinking, and if we don’t get the message across succinctly, we can’t expect them to change their behavior or provide us with something we need. You will need to say something—and yes, face-to-face is probably going to yield better results than a text or a haphazard email.

Plan a specific time to make your request
Casually yelling after your boss as they get off the elevator isn’t an effective way to communicate what you need. Ask for a meeting at their convenience, or set up a walk-and-talk with a friend by introducing the idea broadly: “I’d love to chat about the projects coming up” or “I would love to take you for coffee to chat about what happened last week.” Putting it on the books gives you time to prepare and increases the likelihood the other person will be in a receptive headspace.

Figure out why you’re asking before you ask
Deep down, what are you asking for? Chances are, it’s not something outrageous. If you’re hoping to be looped into more project planning conversations at work, perhaps you’re looking to feel more utilized and valued within your team. If you’re hoping your partner will spend more time talking to you than looking at their iPhone in the evening, perhaps you’re looking to feel more connected with that person. As with any goal, having a clear motivation is essential to seeing it play out as you wish.

Be specific when asking for what you want
Bad news: Passive aggressive hints don’t work. Get clear on why you want the thing you’re asking for, then formulate a list of outcomes that will allow you to know your desired result has happened.

What does the result look like? Is it being cc’ed on emails concerning a certain project? Is it having a friend show up on time for plans? Is it having a daily technology blackout from 8 p.m. onwards?

Refer back to your motivation for asking for these things and use it to justify your ask.

“It feels to me like we spend a lot of time in the same room ignoring each other while we’re on Facebook. I would love to feel more connected when we spend time together. What would you think of implementing an iPhone-free policy after 8 p.m.?”

Preparing these points in advance can help guide the conversation so that you’re able to clearly articulate what you need, why you need it and steps you’d like to take to get there. Having a timeline, such as “in the next two weeks” or “before Christmas,” can also provide some structure for the other party to work within and helps create a realistic delivery everyone can understand.

Similarly, when asking for a raise, do your research. Come prepared with points that have real weight behind them: your successes at work to date, the compensation for your job industry-wide, your future potential and big ideas that would make a raise seem not only logical, but deserved.

Avoid complaining
Nothing will shut down your request more quickly than a bad attitude or an it’s-not-fair approach. Let’s compare the following:

“Nancy, I think it’s complete BS that Rachel is being bumped up to director. She barely does any work and she always leaves early. It was a huge mistake to promote her. It should have been me.”

“Nancy, I’ve heard Rachel will be made a director next month. I wonder if you might be open to discussing my path in the company. Directorship is definitely an avenue I’m interested in, and I’d love to know more about how my skill set—and my successes here to date—could put me on a path to that level.”

Your request will be more respected if it comes from a place of positive forward movement, rather than throwing someone else under the bus. Show that you have the drive and the proven results to justify a promotion. After all, asking in itself is a demonstration of your professionalism.

Confidence is key
You’re unlikely to get more than what you ask for, so be bold and aim high. You don’t need to be rude or aggressive$just confident. If you can convey to the other party that you are worthy of that promotion or not being stood up, they’ll be more likely to agree.

You’ll be more likely to get at least a portion of what you need, especially if you go big. Maybe your partner won’t be ready to move in together if you ask to take things to the next level (and there could be many reasons for that), but perhaps they’d be willing to share keys or have more overnight visits each week. If you’re open to a little compromise, you might find you’re still better off than having not asked at all. The key, though, is still to ask as though you’re worthy of the outcome you want.

Recognize that having your needs met is key to meeting others’ needs
A wise woman I know likes to say, “When mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy,” and it’s true. You will most definitely need to consider your own happiness, particularly if you’re the kind of person who strives to make others’ lives easier by meeting their needs. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or under-appreciated, your capacity to give is diminished. Asking for what you need, especially if it’s some support, will only help you to serve others better.

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